


Hail Hydra! (Stop Laughing)

by ThroughTheTulips



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel (Comics)
Genre: Also all of you can pretend to be the cop, Captain America is Not Hydra, Fuck You Marvel, I don't mind, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-26
Updated: 2016-05-26
Packaged: 2018-07-10 08:47:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6976195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThroughTheTulips/pseuds/ThroughTheTulips
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A fix-it for that ridiculous pile of bantha pudu Marvel tried to shovel down our throats today.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hail Hydra! (Stop Laughing)

**Author's Note:**

> The original title for this (at 3am) was "Marvel Comics Can Eat My Whole Ass".

Steve squared his shoulders, firmed his jaw, and looked directly into the camera. “Hail Hydra.”

There was a pause. Then… laughter?

The assembled crowd of villains and heroes were, to a person, laughing their asses off. Steve’s heroic face took on a petulant cast. “I said-”

“We heard you,” Hydra Goon Number 1 said, waving a hand. “But- I mean, come on, Captain America?”

“I’m a sleeper agent!” Steve declared. “I’ve been one the whole time!”

That brought another wave of laughter from literally everyone in range. One of the goons came over and put his gun down by Steve’s feet. “Listen, man,” the guy said, “Everyone here saw you lift Thor’s Hammer on TV a while back. We know you’re not a sleeper agent.”

Steve looked a little uncertain. “But- I am! Hail Hyd-”

“Give it up, Stevie.” Beside him, Bucky took off the Winter Soldier mask to grin at his friend. “I told you you couldn’t come on this op with me. Now you’ve blown my cover.”

“Probably not the only thing he’s blown today,” Hydra Goon Number 3 muttered. Two pairs of blue eyes swiveled his way, and he lifted his hands. “What? We’re all thinking it.”

“It’s 2016, Cap,” a random civilian said. She gave him a reassuring pat on his leg, mostly because she wanted to know if it was really all muscle under there. It was, and she immediately felt like shit for copping a feel like an asshole. To make up for it she smiled extra-brightly at the two men. “No one cares if you guys are a thing. It’s romantic, really.”

Steve actually blushed. It was embarrassing, right there in the middle of his Heel Turn Reveal and all. “I’m not gay.”

“Yeah, we know,” Hydra Goon Number 1 said. “You were with that Carter dame way back in the day.”

“Do people still say dame?” the civilian asked.

Hydra Goon Number 1 considered. “I mean, I’m a villain. I’m supposed to have campy dialogue. The point is, Cap, we know you’re not gay. Doesn’t mean you can’t switch hit every few decades, amirite?”

From the general approving murmur, it seemed he was indeed right. Steve pulled off his helmet, adorably put-out and a little confused. “I could be a bad guy if I wanted to.”

“Sure you could, buddy,” Bucky said indulgently. “Total bad guy. Villain of the week.”

The crowd started laughing again. One of the Hydra Goons (who’s really keeping track here?) smacked her thigh. “Captain America!” she gasped through peals of laughter. “Hydra! Oh man, that’s gonna keep me laughing through at least six years of prison.”

Suddenly the various government agents standing around remembered they were civil servants and began rounding the actual villains into prison vans. No one resisted. Everyone was still chuckling over Captain America’s loud protestations that he was capable of villainy, honest, just last week he let a door close in front of an old lady. (He doesn’t add that the old lady was an assassin and he was leaving her to Nat. That might actually count as villainy, though.)

One of the cops came over to where Steve and Bucky were discussing which Starbucks to hit on the way home. She dangled a pair of handcuffs in front of him. “So are you sticking to your story, Cap? Do I need to take you in?”

Bucky plucked the cuffs from her hands, a lazy smile stretching his lips. “No, but I’m going to borrow these.”

The look he gave Steve was so hot the cop felt a little dizzy. “Holy Mjolnir,” she whispered reverently. “Does borrow mean I can have them back later?”

Steve and Bucky gave each other considering looks. Steve finally smiled, forgetting his annoyance at not being taken seriously. He gave the officer a neatly-folded twenty dollar bill from his wallet. “Consider them rented. We’ll sign them before we bring them back.”

They got on Steve’s bike and left to great applause, heading back to their Brooklyn apartment.  
  
(For sex. They’re going for kinky handcuff roleplay sex, was that clear enough?)


End file.
